Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
