I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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