I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize