I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
