i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
