peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
