I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
