Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
