dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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