Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
