but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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