it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
