I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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