Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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