I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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