The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
