people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
