I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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