What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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