oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
