Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i love accidental penises.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
