I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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