Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
