Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
