Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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