You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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