I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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