Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
