Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
