I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
