I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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