I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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