shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
