so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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