and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
