before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
