I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
