I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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