Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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