Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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