smell my finger.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
