can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
