so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
