I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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