Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
