Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
