I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize