Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
