Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
