my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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