you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize