It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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