I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
