you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
