okay pat passed out under dana's car
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
